Lessons From a Kindred Spirit.

Recently I have been reading Anne of Green Gables to my 7 year old. 
Anne is a girl dear to my heart.
As a child of the 90's I grew up watching the classic Anne movie. But it wasn't until after the little one was born that I purchased a 90c Kindle edition and delved into the literary world of Avonlea.
But boy oh boy! 
I know there are some die hard Megan Follows fans out there but the books leave the movie in the dust. 

Like many lovers of the series I feel Anne to be a kindred spirit and have often wondered if upon reading the books we try and be a little more like Anne and thus loving her all the more or if, (and I think this one is more likely) upon reading the books we find in them someone who thinks, feels and acts like us we all at once feel a little less alone in the world. And so, we read on crying laughing and hanging our heads in shame along with this adorable ranga. Our hearts fill with pride as she reaches adulthood and wisdom without loosing any of her romantic spunk.

Anyway, It has been really nice to read these to my little one. She has taken a great liking to Anne and often wears her Anne-ish plaits decorated with flowers found on the walk to school. 

I thought it would be fun to look at some of the juiciest passages of the book and reflect on the deep and lasting messages that I think make up why the book has been one of my very favourites.
The first is a passage we read tonight from almost the end. It comes after Anne has studied a year at Queens Academy and is awaiting the posting of exam results and most importantly the winner of the class medal and Avery Scholarship. 
She is waiting with her friend Jane. 

"Jane was smiling and happy; examinations were over and she was comfortably sure she had made a pass at least; further considerations troubled Jane not at all; she had no soaring ambitions and consequently was not affected with the unrest attendant thereon. 
For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world; and although ambitions are well worth having they are not to be cheaply won, but exact their dues of work and self denial, anxiety and discouragement." Anne of Green Gables - Chapter 36 - LM Montgomery

This passage hits me in the guts when I think about the way we compare ourselves to others. I think we often want what others happen but don't stop to consider the price they paid to get it. 
The person with the amazing career may have sacrificed any life but that career. They work hard networking and staying up late to make sure work is done and promotions are made available.
The person with a million children is probably going without sleep or private trips to the toilet. If they look like they have it together it is because they have worked hard to be organised, thought hard about being an intentional parent, prayed, agonised about decisions and given so much time away from themselves.
The person with the amazing intstagram feed and thousands of followers spends time working on getting those followers and curating their life. They too network by creating a community online and keeping up the comments and follows. They create lots of interesting content. It all takes time, skill and effort. 
The person with the beautiful and flawless house spends hours of labour making it so. They've got a system and I do not know what magic they posess!

Their ambitions are well worth having but they are not cheaply won. 

Jane has no ambition in regards to her marks. She is a kind and sensible girl. One of Annes closest friends but in this situation is content with a pass mark. And so on the day the grades are coming out she wears a smile. She is confident, happy and ok. 

Anne, has aspirations for her marks. She wants to come out top and so she has put in much much more effort. And with her effort comes anxiety. She is pale and quiet and cannot bring herself to check the bulletin board where the marks are posted. She has nothing to fear (SPOILERS!) she has worked hard and it definitely pays off. But still, this is her area and so her she feels the trade off of ambition. 

Neither girl is lacking, each is where they want to be and both are content in this situation with their lot. 

It's an important lesson to learn. 

Ambitions are a wonderful thing. Anne had them, LM Montgommery heartily approves of them, and even more now than back in Annes day we have the whole world of ambition open to us, but I think sometimes we want the win without the work. 
It is ok to be like Jane and let things slide for the sake of our sanity, happiness or sleep. 
But remember that you gotta keep wearing that smile if you scrape in with a 51. 
It's also ok to be like Anne and work your socks off for a goal. 
But remember you can't have it all at once. 

Such wisdom and feminism all rolled into a wonderful ball. Sage advice that I'm sure is timeless. 

The club no one wants to join

This is an edited version of an essay I wrote about two years ago just before we found about Tiny and six months after I had a miscarriage. 

I wanted to share it because in that year I went through some very dark times and asked some very big questions of God. These are questions he answered in his goodness and it's my hope that someone out there reading this will be helped just like I was.

It's important to remember that just because I sit here a woman with 3 small kids, my road has not been perfect. It's important to know that as I have shared my journey I have heard similar stories from almost every woman. 

Käthe Kollwitz, Grieving Mother, 1903

From the time my husband and I were dating we knew that infertility would be an issue for us because of some underlying physical conditions. Because of this, we decided early on in our marriage to not actively prevent having children. We were still young, the doctor had said this was in our favour but it might never happen. And then the heat intensified. I started to long for a baby. It was like the knowledge that it may never happen unleashed a great desire in my heart. I was not content to sit with the lot that God had given me but began to desire a child. I cried out to God to make me content no matter what, and then it happened. A baby. And this blog began. 

Two years later an almost embarrassingly similar situation happened. I was pregnant again. 

I wrote in a blog post,

“I forgot.

I forgot about the last time when He listened and listened.

I forgot about the last time when he heard and answered. When he stilled my aching heart and gave me hope.

I forgot that He knows good and He knows me better than I do.

But.

Once again. He answered.”

I praised God for these two precious children. Any chance I could get I would tell people of their unlikely existence, giving praise to God. 

And then two years passed. We started to hope and try for another baby. I cried out to God and waited for another year. 

And then I fell pregnant. (Joy of joys!) But the day after discovering the news, we lost the baby.

It has been six months since we lost our baby and the heat has not been turned off. It is a constant heat which blasts into a roaring fire at times but never cools below a slow burning smoulder. 

Without going too much into the details, there are particularly difficult times each month when we are trying to fall pregnant. These times fill me with anxiety there are books to read, techniques to try, bodily functions to analyze all to “improve our chances.” 

They drive me to distraction. 

Simple actions such as going to the bathroom fill me with fear. 

I am feeding myself the lie that if I take a series of actions I can control everything. 

I cease to trust God as the controller of my life and all things

I blame myself and my inability to make a baby. 

My heart is hijacked by a belief that a "good mum" is one who is able to create babies in a pre-determined timeline in a predetermined way. I spend time living life in an anxiety induced rage with bouts of sadness and crying based around my inability to have control of my reproductive system. I trowel the depths of the internet searching for ways to be better instead of digging into God’s word to find out who He is. 
Things don’t get done around the house, my husband and I become distant and my kids get scared of angry mummy. I feel completely justified in my actions.

In January 2016 I went to see my doctor as I had just taken a positive pregnancy test the day before but thought I was losing my baby. 
She spoke some very wise words “At this point, whatever is going to happen will happen. All we can do is just wait and see.” 
It was as though I hit rock bottom like the author of Psalm 119:81-88 
My eyes had not failed, nor had the arrogant cast a trap for me but my careful planning and worry had failed me. 
I was completely out of control. 
From this place of rock bottom I was able to turn to God with unyielding trust.  
I could do nothing in my own strength. 

In my weakness it is God who is strong God is timeless and has made all things. 
And yet he is mindful of me.  
He knows my struggle because he has felt the loss of a child first hand. His precious Son.
 He is also our good father who waits for us to come back to him when our lack of control leaves us in the pig pen.  

I knew that whatever happened, God would still be God.

Although I would have been excused for crumpling in a heap and doing absolutely nothing, Jesus had rescripted the inner logic of my heart. There was no room for despair and I was filled instead with peace. 

This is not to say I was not sad, or unwavering in my trust. I felt a lot of guilt about how to be sad. Surely, I told myself, If I trust God then I do not need to be upset. 
But a lost child demands to be mourned. The pain was fresh and real the whole experience still screamed at me words of failure and disappointment. 
How could I possibly give my sadness room and yet still bring praise to God?

I needed to feel the sadness and take it in prayer to God. To come to him crying and falling apart and rest at the foot of the cross.

For weeks I would listen to Christian music that would prompt emotion “Oceans,” “Be Still My Soul,” “All Is Well.” 
I read passages of scripture to remind me of the truth. Job, Lamentations 3, Psalm 121. 
I would watch really sad movies about loss and grief and try to fit the truths I knew about God into the godless narrative of the film. 

By understanding who God is in that moment and trusting him I could be sad without letting that sadness overwhelm me.
I can also go through each month knowing that God is the one who provides and is in control. 
I can unyieldingly trust in the Lord and not obsess over the details.

Of course it is one thing to be content in my own sadness but it is quite another to be joyful when others have what I do not. When others anounce their pregnancies I feel happy for them but also the pang of disappointment.
It is in this moment that I have a choice. I could burn with anger against them, I could curse them and God for rubbing it in my face. I chose to be happy for them. Genuinely happy. Because I am. 
I don’t want anyone else to know the pain I feel.  I want them to feel loved and to know that despite my suffering I can still be happy for others because of Jesus.

But I know I don't always respond in this third way. 
Often I believe I know better than God not only in my life but in the lives of others. 
For my life, I believe that right now, a baby is the best thing for me and the idea that God would allow my friend, or drug addict etc to have a baby is incredibly unjust. I feel jealous and bitter.
 This has two really terrible consequences. Firstly I am not trusting Gods plan and Gods sense of justice and secondly I am focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do. If I continue in these thoughts I will fall into a pit of self centred anxiety. I will live my life longing for more and angry at God.

God is just.  
Jesus tells a parable about God as the just judge. God will see justice done for his chosen ones. 
He promises justice, not a baby. 
He promises to be with me, not a baby. 
He promises to bless me, not a baby. 
I cannot know his exact plan but I know that he has never promised me a baby. 
He hears me cry out day and night and it is enough just to know that I am being heard. 
He hears and listens and sometimes acts and gives us what we desire at the right time according to his justice. 
He also teaches us faith and you can only learn how to endure when you have to go through something hard. 
He knows what I need. He knows what my friend needs. 
He even knows what the drug addict needs and it is not my job to guess. 
It is my job to trust him. 

***

It is often easier to focus on what we don’t have. As I weep for the lack of a third child I have often neglected the two I have.  I am teaching them to grumble rather than to find joy in God through their own suffering. 

I can remember when they started growing inside me. I felt such thankfulness to God. They were truly a miracle. God had done what I thought was impossible.  
Praying with my husband early in our marriage I had readied myself for a life without biological children and here I have two!

Even through our miscarriage I can be thankful for the mountain of people who rallied around us with food, flowers, love and prayers. 
As we had just moved to a new church/job/city it enabled people to quickly come into our lives with love which was such a comfort. 

So what would it take for me to be content?  I can focus on what I can do rather than what I’m missing. I could look into adoption or foster care, I could help lift the burden for friends with newborns. Making meals or caring for them and their baby. 

There are some positives about being out of the newborn stage. 
No nappies, more sleep, less baby fog. 
I am freed up to do more ministry that was impossible a few years ago. 

When I get caught up thinking about babies I forget the other things God may have in store  If I look at where he has put me now I can serve him with a content heart to His glory and not mine.

In conclusion, I will strive to look forward to the day when all my longings are fulfilled in Christ. I am a long way off. I keep thinking I know the best way my longings can be fulfilled. In reality, life in the new creation may look quite different. 
I may not have children of my own, I may never feel the kicks of a babe in my womb that I long for so much. God knows the good that he desires to give and it will be truly good. The joys of this world, as Paul says in Philippians are a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus as Lord. 

Rowan's Lullaby

A few years ago when I had a brief spurt of blogging I also decided to turn Friday nights into creativity night. I did a few different creative things. Opened an Etsy shop, made clothes and recorded some audiobooks. There are also some super cute videos of Lu and I singing some tunes.

So, I've reinstated Friday night creativity and recorded this little lullaby while I was trying to put a not so sleepy baby to sleep.

It's not fancy and I'm still trying to figure out garage band but if it puts a kid to sleep it's a winner in my book.

My rules for recording songs on a friday is that the song must be recorded and mixed in the one evening otherwise I will never ever finish. So it's there in all it's imperfect glory.

Hope you enjoy it. 

If you like what you hear feel free to click the little cloud icon up the top for some more tunes.

Not finished.

Image Credit Howard Tangye

Yep, we all do it. But why? 
Of course comparison is a part of life and sometimes can be a helpful nudge to pull your socks up but I'm talking about that niggly voice that sits in your head telling you that you're missing out. 
That comparison voice that really is the thief of joy*

And what is at the heart of this little voice? The idea that you are incomplete. You are not finished. There is still more. 

You renovate your bathroom only to visit a friend who has done the same. All of a sudden you want to get out your sledge hammer and start again. 

You bought a top last year that now is out of fashion and something you once paraded in front of the mirror in becomes an embarrasment.

You run a few k's and start eating better leading to a slimmer looking bod only to find that your gal on instagram runs better times and did the whole 30 and is looking so much better than you. 

You're back from your two week trip backpacking around Europe but realised you missed out on all the amazing things your friend did on their 4 week trip. 

Your kid wakes up a bazillion times in the night. Your friend looks incredibly well rested. 

You want to be more, see more, do more have more.
It is not done and you know it. 

There's this guy Paul in the Bible. He's pretty amazing. Kinda nauseatingly so. He's always followed the law, had a high ranking important job, been in the right circles. He's the guy you'd hate if he wasn't so darn nice. If anyone could feel finished then it would be him.

It's pretty tempting to look at Pauls example and just think you need to try harder. Just be a little more faithful, hang a little more in the right circles, get the right job, follow the rules better and just BE AWESOME. Isn't that what it's all about?

Nope. 

Here's what Paul says **

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 
What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, 
for whose sake I have lost all things. 
I consider them garbage, 
that I may gain Christ and be found in him, 
not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, 
but that which is through faith in Christ
—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 
Philippians 3:7-10

To paraphrase, he's saying;

All that awesome stuff I'm known for? It is worth nothing compared to knowing Jesus. Anything that might have made me look good is just garbage. It's never enough and it never could be enough. 
And when I see that, I see how good God is and how he doesn't want my shiny behaviour or my fancy job, my renovation or my great clothes, he wants me to trust him and let him do his job of being God. 
When I can see him as he is and see myself as I am THEN I will have gained something worth having.

What does Paul boast in? 
Not himself but in Jesus who took all our comparison and our not finished squeamishness and as he was nailed to the cross said IT IS FINISHED!

Ad as he did so all the things that we thought mattered fell into the dung heap like the garbage they are. 
That sense of unfinished business we feel in out hearts and try to plug with things of the world is healed and made whole by Jesus. 
Our desire to put confidence in our ability to save ourselves holds nothing. 

AND PHEW! We take a sigh of relief! This comparison fame is exhausting isn't it? 
Do you feel it? 
I can't keep up.

And then, Paul writes some gold. This is my favourite part. Here's where it gets real. 

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. 
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:12-14

It's not about perfection, but pressing on. 
When times are tough and your walking along - press on
When you're feeling great and sprinting - press on
When you're alone, lean on Jesus - press on
When you're with others, grab them by the hand - press on
When all you can do is lift your head off the ground - press on
Each season of our lives will look different all we can do is press on whatever the season. 

The race is finished. The prize has been won.
We get to press on in joy and bring others along on the way. 
We see those comparisons for what they are, loss for the sake of Christ. 

HE is God. We don't need to be.

So where does your confidence lie?







*This is a Theodore Roosevelt quote. I've read a few articles that oppose this idea and I totally agree with them. We need to be open to other peoples ideas but I'm taking this idea in a different direction.

**Here's a link to read the context

SEVEN

My big girl is seven years old.





































She's getting pretty grown up and I'm feeling like we're coming into a new stage of parenting.
We've been requested to not use the word "cute" with our big girl anymore and you know what? I'm totally fine with that.
Our big girl is kind, creative, witty, observant, helpful, fun and so great for a chat.
She's moved beyond the world of cutie pie and into the awesome world of big girl proper.

She has such a keen and observant mind and cracks dry jokes that are pretty hilarious.
She makes friends pretty well and plays imaginitive games with them. At school she plays koalas and her friends have invented a language to go with it.

A few months ago she really hit her stride with reading and has launched herself into reading chapter books. Roald Dahl, Billie B Brown, Thea Stilton and anything she can get her hands on. It is a joy to my heart.
She is playing the violin so well. We go through rough patches every once in a while where she looses the joy a bit but she is pretty amazing. I have to remind myself of how impressive it is that her tiny fingers can play such complicated pieces. It is one of my favourite parts of the day practicing with her.

She is a creative soul and spends most of her afternoons making potions out of bits and pieces she has found in the garden. Mostly kafir lime leaves. I am always the smell tester of said potions and boy are they strong!!
She loves to draw and invent and loves discovering all the bugs in the garden. We now have a pretty large knowledge of our particular local bugs and spiders. So. many. spiders everywhere. She has made me brave.

She's a friendly kid but takes a while to warm up. But when she does she can shout the house down and has a fiery temper like her Mama. She's a perfectionist and doesn't like to have a go till she knows she can do it. She knows her mind and doesn't do things with the crowd. There are good and bad things about this. She marches to her own beat and mostly inspires others to march along with her.


And yet, for all her independence and everything she still is my little girl who needs a snuggle with her mama. And for that I am grateful.

Here are her answers to The Questions.

A1. Favourite colour - green

2. Favourite toy - Toto
3. Favourite fruit  - Apples
4. Favourite thing to watch on TV - Magic School Bus
5. Favourite food to have for lunch - Sandwich vegemite
6. Favourite thing to wear - Skirt from granny
7. Favourite game - Hide and seek
8. Favourite snack - Fruit
9. Favourite animal - Baby monkey
10. Favourite song - Annie - together at last
11. Favourite book - Thea and Geronimo Stilton I don't need anything but you
12. Your best friend - Rowie 
13. Favourite cereal - Rice bubbles
14. Favourite thing to do outside - Play imaginative games
15. Favourite thing to drink - Water
16. Favourite holiday - Melbourne
17. What do you like to take to bed? Toto
18. Favourite food for breakfast - Vegemite on toast
19. What would you like to have for dinner on your birthday? - Pork buns and chicken skewers
20. What would you like to be when you grow up? - Scientist biologist 
21. Favourite shop - Kmart
22. What do you like to do when it's raining? - stay inside and play with rower and read stories
23. When it's not raining? - play outside
24. Favourite movie - Annie
25. Favourite game with your sister - School game

FIVE

My little girl is five years old.

She is a ball of opposites.

Fiercely bold and adventurous yet sensitive and tiny. She is amazingly agile but once refused to whack a piñata. "Too scary mama"

Loud and funny yet likes to do rabbit and mouse impersonations. Still.

Helpful and thoughtful yet often goes along with crazy schemes of her own making. Like the time she practiced writing letter A...all across our house...in permanent marker. I thought I had stumbled across an anarchist hideaway.

She has a big heart that reaches out to others but often leaves her undies on the ground.

I love her. 

She has taken on Kindergarten like a champ and is starting to read and do all kinds of independent things. 

She has started playing the violin and gets a bit flustered but knows all the tunes (to sing) so well. Thank you big sister. 

She loves cooking with me and her special job is to set the table for dinner. She is a pro at cracking eggs and chopping mushrooms and loves making brightly coloured pancakes which grossly come out the other end brightly coloured too. 

She has a great imagination and is happy to be on her own creating worlds and adventures for her mind. 

She's pretty great.

Here's some questions we ask the kids each Birthday. I'm not sure I've ever blogged Norah's answers but Lucy's are back in the blogging abyss somewhere.

1. Favourite colour - blue
2. Favourite toy - Coconut monkey
3. Favourite fruit  - Strawberries
4. Favourite thing to watch on TV - Magic School Bus
5. Favourite food to have for lunch - Sushi
6. Favourite thing to wear - Dress from Granny.
7. Favourite game - Uno
8. Favourite snack - Donuts
9. Favourite animal - Rabbits
10. Favourite song - Trolls - Hair Up 
11. Favourite book - Thea and Geronimo Stilton
12. Your best friend - Maddie
13. Favourite cereal - Cheerios
14. Favourite thing to do outside - Play on the swings.
15. Favourite thing to drink - Ice cream when it's melted. (?)
16. Favourite holiday - Granny and Waa Waa's house
17. What do you like to take to bed? Little grey mouse. (Toy lol)
18. Favourite food for breakfast - Cheerios...but actually pancakes.
19. What would you like to have for dinner on your birthday? - Pizza!
20. What would you like to be when you grow up? - Science teacher
21. Favourite shop - Kmart (not sure whether to be proud or ashamed)
22. What do you like to do when it's raining? - Stay inside and eat ice cream.
23. When it's not raining? - Go outside and run.
24. Favourite movie - Annie
25. Favourite game with your sister - Chess

When I'm 80

One of my very favourite bloggers, Faith wrote a post the other day about the woman she wants to be. Her writing often speaks really deeply to my heart. She writes honestly and beautifully about everyday things and the way they can be quite beautiful and her post had me tearing up quite a few times. 
She challenged me to write something similar so hear it is. 
You should definitely check out hers though. And her beautiful photography. 

When I am 80 and I look in the mirror the woman staring back at me will have lived more life than I can possibly imagine today. 
Her face and body will bear the marks of a life lived.

She may have never bought an owned a house but I hope she has been a home.
I want to have always had an open door and a well stocked fridge. 
An open ear and a well stocked pool of wisdom. 
I hope the messiness of my house doesn't just end when my kids get older and better at tidying up after themselves. 
I hope I'm never too fancy to have people over when there's a washing basket on the dining room table and dishes in the sink. 
I hope that she's finally mastered how to make soft pretzels and that she is never short of a kitchen hand. 
I hope that her walls still are covered with photos and precious pieces of art made by tiny hands. 
And I hope there's still a husband to chat theology with. 
We will have passed the baton on to the younger generation and I hope that our years will have taught us how to encourage and nurture them. 
I want to be the old lady at church who chats to the young ones and sighs at their babies remembering both how hard and how delicious those days were.

She may not have traveled the world but I hope she has walked many roads beside her friends. 
Rather than postcards on the wall I want to have memories in my heart. 
Hard roads. 
Joyous roads. 
Belly laughs and ugly cries. 
I want to see a sparkle in those eyes. 
I want to have never been too busy or important for my children. 
I want to have taken them on the adventure with us and find contentment as they grow and change. 

She may have not become famous but I hope she has the praise of one. 
I want to have just done the thing in front of me and been faithful in that. 
Whatever place I find myself at 80 I hope that I find myself there after small faithful steps, dreaming big dreams but knowing where the glory truly lies. 

She may not have had everything she wanted but I hope her heart is brimming with Peace Joy and Love. 
I want to look back on the hard days or the days I went without and see the good that was made through it all. 
I want to see all the things I was worried about through the lens of time and realise what is truly important. 
I want to be able to pinpoint on the map of my life the times when God was faithful through it all and in my heart rejoice.

And here's where I shamelessly steal a line because it was so awesome
I want to have spent my life and not saved it.
I want it to have been good and to sit in my old age with the contentment of a life well lived. 
Not an easy or necessarily a fun life. Not a fairytale or a trendy hipster existence but,
a good life.

Sourdough

A lovely friend gave me some of her sourdough starter a little while ago and since then I've been really enjoying crafting my own loaves.
The long drawn out process of sourdough really appeals to my current lifestyle. My dough needs little bits of attention throughout a 36hr period and that works so well.

Here's what I do.

Night Before

In a container with a lid place
- 75g water
-75g flour
- 1 tbs of starter
I got my starter from a lovely friend but you can make your own. I haven't tried it and it looks pretty difficult but is surely not impossible!?!?

Also, in a bowl place
- 400g flour
- 260g water
This makes a pretty wet dough which can sometimes go flat so you've got to play around with the water level. Maybe less maybe more. This is called the autolyse and it is a fancy name which means I Have No Idea.

Then I leave those two bits overnight.

Next Day

In the morning/when i remember after getting home from school drop off I mix the two bits together and give it a good kneed for about 10 mins.
I use a slap and stretch method which is really fun to do and lets ALL the angry vibes out. Basically you grab the ball of dough, slap it on the bench and then pull it off the bench so that it stretches out. Other than sounding like something you might do to induce labour it is the thing to do if you want lovely sourdough holes in your loaf. 

Then I give the dough about an hour while I put the baby to sleep and do some laundry. I have left the slap and stretch till after said baby was alseep but only do that if you want your baby to wake up while you are 3 minutes in with tons of dough on your hands. It will happen.

After about an hour (which really means when I remember I'm making sourdough today) I add 10g of water with a tbs of salt. They say sourdough really needs the salt and it's true. It really brings out the flavour of the dough. Do not leave it out or you will feel like you're eating polystyrene. 
I plop the salty water in and then kinda squeeze the dough with my fingers. Don't worry about it too much. 

Then comes the bulk ferment which goes for 2-4 hrs. or 6 or 8 or whenever. 
Every half hour or so I do a manoeuvre called the stretch and fold which also brings on bubbles and not babies. You pick up one side of the dough and then stretch it over the top. Do this 4 times from each side and you're good to go. 

After that's done I shape the dough ball into a nice smooth dough ball and pop it in a little tea towel blanket in a bowl in the fridge and say goodnight.

Next Day

In the morning (again usually after school dropoff) I heat up the oven as hot as it goes and then put the dough ball in my dutch oven. Once the oven is hot I pop the dutch oven in for about 20 mins with the lid on then 20-30 with the lid off. I know it's done when the outside is lovely and dark brown. 

Then you have to wait and not dig into that juicy hot loaf till it's cool. But once it is...slice it up and slather it with butter. oh yeah.

🍞

A post shared by Rin (@rinny_e) on Feb 14, 2018 at 4:31am PST

my baby - 10 months old

In May last year our precious little baby boy was born.
He's now 10 months old and while his life has been pretty well documented on Instagram, I wanted to write about him here to capture some memories of his baby days.

He is a super smiley baby.
He's got a cheeky grin and a great giggle.
He really likes things that make noise. Any item is given a shake to determine whether it makes sound. Soundless items are often dumped without ceremony. He loves when I move my hand on his mouth while he sings. Endless entertainment. He loves playing hitting the piano and he tolerates my almost constant singing at him. A song for every occasion.

He crawls around the house like crazy, usually looking for me. (Thankyou 10 month separation anxiety) His knees and toes are always covered in dust and all the Lego is repeatedly put up out of mouths way. I'm not sure if he'll match his sisters and walk before the end of the month. Watch this space.

He loves reading books with feely bits and we read the "Thats not my ____" books A LOT. He quite likes being outside and I often spend time just sitting and watching with him on our front steps. He forces me to slow down. He is pretty fascinated by the vacuum cleaner and the washing machine but has a low tolerance for not Mamas attention. And so when he is awake we sit and play and read and sing and count his little piggy toes.

He is very loved by all the ladies at bible study and is generous with his wide smiles. When all the stars align and he is neither tired nor hungry he'll even crawl off and find a new lap to sit in.

He has a bit of a love hate relationship with food. Of course, being put in the high chair means going out of Mamas arms and that really is sometimes a bit too much to bear. But he does love a good bit of avocado, banana, yoghurt, meat and veg. But not together. Much of the food ends up on the floor.

He loves faces. Particularly pinching or hitting them to see what happens. He is learning the words "gentle" and "no". At the moment a stern reproof gets a giggle but he's learning. His big sisters howling in his face after a good hair yank is having a bit of an impact on him.
Oh, his sisters. He adores them and they him. Except when he pulls their hair.

We are all so glad our boy is part of the family.
It is exhausting having 3 kids. Life rushes past and I feel as though I barely come up for air.
I'd love an uninterrupted sleep and I'm loosing hair and a bit of sanity but to see this little fella and the way his eyes light up when he sees me, or the way he cackles when I push him in the swing fills my heart right up.

We hoped and prayed for him for so long and some days I barely believe that he is here with us.
He's such a treasure.

He always forgave

I think I've said it before in this space but I'll say it again, 

I LOVE reading the Old Testament. 

Something about reading the cultural context and history that Jesus was born into adds so many dimensions to the gospel story we read in the New Testament. 

A few months ago I was reading a Psalm which spoke about loving God's laws and I thought to myself, "Heck, I don't even know half of God's laws let alone love them!" 
So I decided to read the more gnarly books of the OT and find out what the deal is. 

I'm hoping to post lots of reflections as I dig in but here's one that really stood out and it's about forgiveness.