Here are all the gory details.
So that I don't forget.
For as long as I can remember, Sunday lunch has been from the bakery.
When I was little we would go to the little Vietnamese hot bread shop in town and would each get to order our savoury (sausage rolls of course) and sweet (caramel tart) of choice.
These tasty treats would be devoured when we got home. Sausage rolls would be cut into slices and dipped in tomato sauce. First one bite out of each slice, and then another.*
The caramel tart was an eagerly awaited dessert. First the cream, then the thick gooey caramel with a
buttery pastry finale.
You could say it's a family tradition.
Aside from a few years churching down the road from $6.50 Thai, we have kept up this family tradition. It is particularly nice to share sweet bakery treats with our two little girls.
They've wandered from the righteous path of sausage roll eating and much prefer a cheese and bacon roll. Or (because Australians like to shorten everything) as we call it, the Bacon Roll.**
This fated Sunday young Smalls was munching on her Bacon Roll quite happily.
Myl and I were chatting (no doubt about something very important) when up pipes a tiny voice.
"Bacon stuck up my nose."
If ever there was a sentence to strike horror into the minds of two parents it would be these.
My first response was disbelief. Bacon she said? No, she just means snot. She's got snot up her nose.
"You're ok," I reassured her. "it's just snot."
"No, bacon roll up my nose."
I then moved on to anger.
"Smalls! You must not stick things up your nose! Why did you do this thing! Why me!"
And then to bargaining.
"Come sit on Dada's lap, let me have a look. I'm just going to shove these tweezers up your nose and you'll be alright."
Removing a piece of white bread from the nasal cavity of a two year old is no easy task.
To her credit, Smalls sat very still while I tried to pluck the soggy glutenous clump from her nostril.
After removing a few tiny specs, I gave up lest the roll become permanently lodged in her nose or brain or something.
It was time for Myl to have a go but Smalls was done.
She was sad. She had grown attached to the idea of having a little bready friend up her nose and was not ready to part ways. The tears fell and we decided that the Bacon Roll would come out one way or another.
But I figured I should consult Google anyway. I figured typing BACON ROLL UP CHILD'S NOSE
would probably come up with hundreds if not thousands of results.
Google did not disappoint.
A few links down I found this gem. I had to click.
Vaccum removal of object stuck in childs nose.
Complete with step by step instructions AND diagrams is a "how to" on gettin' things out of yer nose.
In our house the vacuum cleaner is called the Vacuum Monster. It slinks around sucking up peoples toys when they didn't put them away.
Lots of fun.
I vacuum the house to shrieks and screams and the sound of little girls picking up their toys and then running to hide under their doonas. FEAR.
But recently, the girls have taken to requesting the vacuum cleaner suck up their hair.
I'm not sure why.
It's a bit strange.
But they like it.
Anyway, It made me think that maybe, just maybe I could stick some kind of straw/vacuum cleaner contraption up Smalls nose and she wouldn't mind.
After explaining the deal to her, Smalls realised that she had already gone through the four stages of grief and the only place left to go was acceptance.
She sat peacefully in Dadas lap while I showed her my fun yellow sucky straw.
She was keen.
Towards the nostril we went.
It didn't take long.
The noise of a small hunk of bread being sucked up a vacuum cleaner sounds exactly as you think it would.
We were done.
"That was fun." She said.
"Smalls," I said "You must never stick anything up your nose. Where does food go?"
"In your mouth!" She shreiked. And giggled.
We'll keep her.
And so ends the tale of the bacon roll up the nose. Stay tuned next week for sultanas? Lego heads? maybe a whole baguette?
*Yes I am aware I
**Our bakery puts little bits of garlic on the cheese and bacon rolls so they ARE particularly delicious.